I had always worried how I would ever enter another relationship with a child in tow. If someone had told me that I would meet the man of my dreams and that our integration into 'family' would be so seamless I would have shaken my head in disbelief.
After a year of dating we felt ready to have another child. It was not a decision taken lightly, we discussed every option/angle/positives/negatives and came to the conclusion that *now* was right. After a surprise pregnancy when I was 18 it was an elating feeling for me, to CHOOSE to have a child, to plan a child with someone you love, to have control over the decision (little did I know!). Late 2010 we started our TTC journey, I googled, I joined TTC groups, I trawled through message boards absorbing everything I could. I naively thought that given our young ages, our good health and the child I already had that it would be easy. We'd be pregnant in the first month. But we weren't.
Or the second month.
Or the third month.
The months rolled by and we decided that once we were nearing one year of trying we would seek some medical advice. Getting a sperm sample was a bit of a laugh. Seeing the sample wasn't. Although D had already expressed that he felt something was wrong it wasn't until I saw the sample that I thought maybe there was something wrong. I'm not sure if it was just the *realness* that we weren't conceiving and were needing to get samples or if it was the actual sample that had me worried. He didn't seem to concerned though so I didn't dwell for long (Warning:Do not google sperm consistency!).
We received a letter from his Dr to come in for results, again, I wasn't out of my mind worried. There was some nervousness but I was also excited - We'd get the results and a baby would follow soon after.
Yesterday we sat down in the Dr's room. He didn't beat around the bush. No sperm in the sample. None. Not one. I knew from all the reading I'd done that this was the worst possible news we could have. Low sperm = options. No sperm = What the fuck are we going to do?. The normal sperm count is between 20-400 million. Yes, it takes one but see what we are working with? My tears were flowing at this stage. We heard there is a possible blockage and will need blood tests to rule it out. A blockage is the best we can hope for, if we are to have a biological child. It means we can attempt to fix it or to get sperm out and try IVF. We got into the car and sobbed into each others arms. Poor Mr 3 in the backseat was very bewildered, in hindsight we should have found someone to watch him. I choked on the answer to his question 'Whats wrong, why are you sad?'. No babies. No babies.
I shed tears for him. He shed tears for me. When things are bad, you want your mum (or for me, my dad!). Watching this strong man, who has been my rock for so long, collapse into his mothers arms was heartbreaking. But mums always know how to envelope you in love, and though she can't fix this, having her there makes it a little easier to cope. My dad has shared our journey closely so with the news still raw we went and told him. I needed that dad bear hug.
Or the second month.
Or the third month.
The months rolled by and we decided that once we were nearing one year of trying we would seek some medical advice. Getting a sperm sample was a bit of a laugh. Seeing the sample wasn't. Although D had already expressed that he felt something was wrong it wasn't until I saw the sample that I thought maybe there was something wrong. I'm not sure if it was just the *realness* that we weren't conceiving and were needing to get samples or if it was the actual sample that had me worried. He didn't seem to concerned though so I didn't dwell for long (Warning:Do not google sperm consistency!).
We received a letter from his Dr to come in for results, again, I wasn't out of my mind worried. There was some nervousness but I was also excited - We'd get the results and a baby would follow soon after.
Yesterday we sat down in the Dr's room. He didn't beat around the bush. No sperm in the sample. None. Not one. I knew from all the reading I'd done that this was the worst possible news we could have. Low sperm = options. No sperm = What the fuck are we going to do?. The normal sperm count is between 20-400 million. Yes, it takes one but see what we are working with? My tears were flowing at this stage. We heard there is a possible blockage and will need blood tests to rule it out. A blockage is the best we can hope for, if we are to have a biological child. It means we can attempt to fix it or to get sperm out and try IVF. We got into the car and sobbed into each others arms. Poor Mr 3 in the backseat was very bewildered, in hindsight we should have found someone to watch him. I choked on the answer to his question 'Whats wrong, why are you sad?'. No babies. No babies.
I shed tears for him. He shed tears for me. When things are bad, you want your mum (or for me, my dad!). Watching this strong man, who has been my rock for so long, collapse into his mothers arms was heartbreaking. But mums always know how to envelope you in love, and though she can't fix this, having her there makes it a little easier to cope. My dad has shared our journey closely so with the news still raw we went and told him. I needed that dad bear hug.
Thank you for letting me read your lovely words. What a huge shock for you both. How brave to blog while it's so raw and fresh in your hearts. Teresa, you're one of the most astoundingly grounded and sage women that I've ever met and know you're both lovely parents already to K. Thinking of you both and fingers crossed you get some positive news. Marg xxx
ReplyDeleteI've read this post many times now and without fail it makes me teary every time. Thanks!...
ReplyDeleteYou are both fabulous parents who deserve all the happiness in the world. I was so heartbroken when I heard your news and felt so awful knowing there was nothing I could do to help. I wish I could.
What I can do is promise that I will be here for both of you throughout your journey every step of the way. Support you through all the ups and downs.
Love you always x x