What we've been doing

Getting on to post is proving a little difficult with the weather warming up - Been living in the garden. Also, I'm back at work part time now that I've finished studying. No more essays to write or deadlines to meet - Yippee! 

We're lucky to have a split section - The top has the tramp, swing set etc and the bottom will be our vegetable garden + the awesome deck that D and his dad built around the cabbage tree (will try take some photos of that beauty soon!) 

Some photos of our gardens progress - Still lots to do but loving the transformation! 

We have three more of these raised beds going in and a shed. Its going to be a busy summer! 

Beans, spinach, red cabbage, carrots and teepees ready for the tomatoes once the weather warms up.

Strawberries, lettuce and raspberry canes.

Shit happens.

Has been almost a week since I've posted and to be honest, azoospermia (Official name for zero sperm count) hasn't been mentioned since then. We've had our cry. No more wallowing in self pity for us!

Though during the rare quiet moments this week, I've been thinking about the injustice of it all. I couldn't help but briefly ponder over 'why us'. We're good people you know? In fact, Dave is the most virtuous person I know! We make great parents and we can (and do) provide more than just the bare necessities. I answered a question that was posted in a forum back in March - What does being a good parent mean to you?

Offering my child guidance, stability, consistency, discipline, encouragement and support. Gaining my child's love, trust and respect. Teaching him kindness, responsibility, loyalty and honesty. Being a good role model. Ensuring he eats well and sleeps well. Allowing him learning opportunities.
And of course, love - which is so easy.

I didn't post that to prove myself as a parent or to portray that we're perfect parents because there are moments when we barely have a grip on this parenting thing! For the most part we're doing okay, and our Mr 3 is a testament to that. I really love my life, can many people say that? I have a lot to be thankful for. I have wonderful partner and child, tight knit family and a house that we are turning into a home. I have a future with so many options and I am privileged to be able to stay at home with my son if I so please. The pessimist in me thinks that when things are good *something* bad has to happen. But this, this isn't so bad. We are still pretty damn lucky. Yay for the optimist! 

I just needed to remind myself that our struggle to have another child isn't a reflection on us or our parenting - It's just that shit happens.

What to expect when your not expecting.

Feel a little nauseous. Am I pregnant?
My boobs are HUGE. Am I pregnant?
Hmm. I've been to the toilet three times in the last hour. Am I pregnant?
Okay CD26, should I test now? Am I pregnant?

AM I PREGNANT?

When we first started trying to conceive I thought it would be a fun ride with LOADS of sex, a nervous two week wait and then taa daa.... Big fat positive. I admitted way late into the game that periods and pregnancy have the same symptoms - Totally mind bending if you let it take over! I didn't know that I would become hyper aware of my body and that every niggle and 'symptom' would be overanalysed.

I didn't anticipate feeling so alone. Whilst I was aware that many are on the same tough journey, and I am privileged to share the journeys with some lovely ladies, I still felt stuck in my head with it all. The advice 'just relax' made me shut off. 'It'll happen when its ready' made me want to smack the person. Which brings to me to point out that although I fear that I'll offend people with my honesty I have reflected on what I want from this blog and realise that I need to post the raw feelings - good, bad aaaaand the stuff that is often left unsaid.

In my initial rush to *purge* my feelings into the first blog post I neglected to introduce myself. My name is Teresa and I'm 22. I love homewares, cooking, gardening and reading. I own a home with my dad and D which we are renovating (love/hate relationship) and where we live together as one big happy family. I'm the oldest of four (17 year old brother who lives with us, 21 year old sister and 7 year old brother who don't) so I am very much mother hen. I became a mother when I was 18 (A whole other story that is probably a bit hill-billyish for me to share, ha!). I enjoy being a mother. I ADORE being K's mother. I am refraining from writing all the cliche sentiments about a mothers love for their child BUT I really just want to yell to the world how awesome he is.

The other love of my life is D. I promised a friend that I wouldn't write a massive gushy post about him and I'm afraid if I start on him that's what it will lead too! So to keep it simple, D is my best friend and the man I want to spend my life with. He is an incredible daddy. I respect him, I admire him and I am very impressed by his vegetable garden building skills!

So that is my introduction. I nervously watch the views of this blog go up. Please feel free to comment!

October Third

And now the nervous wait for blood results. These will tell us if there is a blockage and determines whether D can have children or not.

How we got here

When we got together I already had an almost two year old.

I had always worried how I would ever enter another relationship with a child in tow. If someone had told me that I would meet the man of my dreams and that our integration into 'family' would be so seamless I would have shaken my head in disbelief. 

After a year of dating we felt ready to have another child. It was not a decision taken lightly, we discussed every option/angle/positives/negatives and came to the conclusion that *now* was right. After a surprise pregnancy when I was 18 it was an elating feeling for me, to CHOOSE to have a child, to plan a child with someone you love, to have control over the decision (little did I know!). Late 2010 we started our TTC journey, I googled, I joined TTC groups, I trawled through message boards absorbing everything I could. I naively thought that given our young ages, our good health and the child I already had that it would be easy. We'd be pregnant in the first month. But we weren't.

Or the second month.
Or the third month.

The months rolled by and we decided that once we were nearing one year of trying we would seek some medical advice. Getting a sperm sample was a bit of a laugh. Seeing the sample wasn't. Although D had already expressed that he felt something was wrong it wasn't until I saw the sample that I thought maybe there was something wrong. I'm not sure if it was just the *realness* that we weren't conceiving and were needing to get samples or if it was the actual sample that had me worried. He didn't seem to concerned though so I didn't dwell for long (Warning:Do not google sperm consistency!).

We received a letter from his Dr to come in for results, again, I wasn't out of my mind worried. There was some nervousness but I was also excited - We'd get the results and a baby would follow soon after.

Yesterday we sat down in the Dr's room. He didn't beat around the bush. No sperm in the sample. None. Not one. I knew from all the reading I'd done that this was the worst possible news we could have.  Low sperm = options. No sperm = What the fuck are we going to do?. The normal sperm count is between 20-400 million. Yes, it takes one but see what we are working with?  My tears were flowing at this stage. We heard there is a possible blockage and will need blood tests to rule it out. A blockage is the best we can hope for, if we are to have a biological child. It means we can attempt to fix it or to get sperm out and try IVF. We got into the car and sobbed into each others arms. Poor Mr 3 in the backseat was very bewildered, in hindsight we should have found someone to watch him. I choked on the answer to his question 'Whats wrong, why are you sad?'.   No babies. No babies.

I shed tears for him. He shed tears for me. When things are bad, you want your mum (or for me, my dad!). Watching this strong man, who has been my rock for so long, collapse into his mothers arms was heartbreaking. But mums always know how to envelope you in love, and though she can't fix this, having her there makes it a little easier to cope. My dad has shared our journey closely so with the news still raw we went and told him. I needed that dad bear hug.