New Year!

Oh dear – No new posts since November! I had better explain myself…

I needed to step back from the whole situation and bring some optimism back in! We had some rough months where infertility was on the forefront of the mind. Being angry and disappointed is an uncomfortable emotion to live with day in and day out. Wanting something with such intensity is hard to live with each day. I couldn’t bring myself to even open my blog as my previous posts drew me back into that negative space. Happy to say that my mindset has done a complete 360, and I’m feeling positive and optimistic again. 2012 is going to be an amazing year, and we have much to look forward too. We have decided to wait for public funding due to the high cost of going private, just IVF would be doable but the additional procedures put it out of our reach at this stage. 2014 will be a big year for us! We have decided that early 2014 we will have our Wedding, and towards the end of the year we should be eligible for public funding.  I will be travelling to Cambodia with my mum, her sisters and my cousins in December – Once in a lifetime trip to experience my mother’s homeland. The trip is based around a special service for my Yay (Grandmother) who passed away in 2009, and has a shrine there.

Exciting!

Where are we at on the journey to our baby?

Just prior to Christmas we got Ds results back and he is indeed a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis, the initial shock of hearing that diagnosis took my breath away. Literally. An anomaly with his genes has caused him to be infertile and it is interesting to note that 98% of males with CF are also infertile due to missing the vas deferens. We are now waiting on DNA results for myself, to see if I am also a carrier. If all clear then we move onto TESA.

I’ve been browsing through Google and message boards absorbing as much information as I can, to make it easier to explain to family and friends what we are experiencing. This wee documentary (less than 30mins, shown in three parts) follows the journey of Jay-Jay and Doms IVF journey; the couple hosts a radio show here in NZ. A lot of raw emotion. I very much appreciate them sharing their story. http://tvnz.co.nz/sunday-news/jay-and-dom-s-ivf-battle-3568371/video?vid=3572824

From here on out, for the next couple of years at least, my posts will not be so much focused on our journey to a baby – Will post about TESA but after that it is a waiting game to IVF.

Hope your Christmas was merry and 2012 treats you well!

Swinging between sanity and insanity.

Staying positive comes natural to D and I – So whilst this journey is a very difficult one we still laugh and make jokes, even when we should be serious it seems! We had our first appointment with a Dr at the Wellington Fertility Associates clinic on Tuesday. Sitting holding hands, we must have looked like deer in the headlights. The Dr was straight to the point, humorous and obviously knows his stuff. After a very very uncomfortable examination, the diagnosis is either congenial absence of the vas deferens or a very underdeveloped one.

You will see from the picture what that means – basically a vasectomy from birth. 7 vials of blood were taken from D’s hard to find veins which will be looking his genetics – karyotype in case of Klinefelters syndrome (which is very unlikely), cystic fibrosis or some deletion within the azospermic gene. The results take between 4-6 weeks, which we will discuss with Dr Hutton over the phone. If the results show no significant genetic problem then D will undergo testicular aspiration of sperm. This involves a needle in his testes – For D (and any male I presume!!); it’s his worst fears becoming reality.

The worst news we got that day was in regards to funding for IVF. We knew that all procedures up to IVF would incur a cost to us but we were cautiously optimistic that we’d be able to get public funding. It turns out that because I have K , albeit from a previous relationship, we need to have been trying for a total of three years before even getting on a waiting list (currently at 12 months). The Dr noted how ridiculous it was given that my having a child does not change the fact that D has no chance of conceiving naturally, and we could try for the next 10 years and still not have a baby. We left feeling more informed but very disheartened. We’ve decided to go private, as it seems the obvious choice. We’ll be furiously saving over the next 6 or so months but it does mean that as soon as finances allow, we can start IVF straight away.

So, good/bad news... and life goes on.

We had a beautiful afternoon out at Lake Ferry, left feeling heaps better - Fingers crossed for some more sunny weather! 

Time flies when your having fun!

This year has gone so extraordinarily fast; I cannot believe that in two months my baby boy will be four! I’ve started thinking about his party due to being reminded 3-4 times a week by one very excited kid. This is the first year where he is anticipating  his birthday so I need to make it a good one! I’ve been busy ‘pinning’ idea for the party and his daycare Christmas party – http://pinterest.com/trez08/favorite-recipes/

The observant will notice that I also have a pin board dedicated to all things wedding… and that’s because D and I were engaged over the weekend! I had planned a big house clean on Sunday whilst Mr. 3 was at my sisters so we were up early and at Briscoes loading up on new buckets, mop heads and scrubbers. I had a lovely wee whinge to my sisters MIL about how my arvo would be spent on my hands and knees cleaning the toilet…little did I know!

We got home; I started hanging up some photos, assuming Dave had gone for a wee nap. He comes out all dressed up and demands that I go get changed into something nice (Loo cleaning attire isn’t the flashest!). We had an awkward 25-minute drive into town and pulled into a car park where behind a wire fence was a helicopter. We sort of just looked at each other with just a nervous/excited/don’t you dare say anything giggle. The helicopter ride over Wellington was stunning, totally blows your mind to have such a marvelous view of your city. The helicopter then headed towards the West Wind Farm and then dropped down into a secluded bay. We walked the coastline and sat down on some driftwood near the beach. D must have been looking for the perfect spot because as soon as we sat down he told me we weren’t just here for a ride and got down on one knee! –tear- it was so surreal! We had always said that we would want to choose the ring together (or I did, ha!) so he presented me with a small token - A silver ring that he had engraved with ‘Teresa Hill?’ on it. Involuntary smile, I could not get it off my face! Perfect proposal from the man who is perfect for me.

We’ve talked over wedding dates, it really does depend on where we at baby-wise but hoping for Summer 2013. Have purchased my first bridal magazine already. I can picture D’s eyes widening reading that, ha ha ha!

Gripping his leg, nervous about going up so high!

Heading over the city

The wee bay where he proposed

Flying back an engaged woman!

Very happy to follow up my previous post with this happy one!

I will endeavor to get an updated garden post up within the week and then one after our Fertility Associates appointment.

Until then! x 

Warning. Pity party ahead.

I have been avoiding a ‘woe is me’ post because we have friends who are dealing with far far worse than we are and it seems wrong to complain but today I want to rage and cry and scream. Today I want to vent and express my concerns and worries. Today I don’t want to be positive. For the most part we have remained fairly stoic and ‘together’ but there are brief moments of being on the verge of breaking down.  We feel ripped off. We feel daunted by the journey ahead without even knowing what is in store for us – IVF? Surgeries? Sperm Donors? I’m really trying to come to terms with the fact that there will be no baby next year. It’s quite possible that there won’t be a baby the following year. Infertility forces you into the unknown. 65% of couples our age are pregnant within 6 months. They have sex. They make a baby.

The reality for us is that they will have to locate sperm – Probably shouldn't have got the Mr to read that they put a massive needle into his balls... hahaha. (Then reminded that I’m the one who will be pushing the baby out) He who laughs last laughs the loudest!

I should mention that I loathe needles. I flush hot and cold, my palms sweat whilst gripping onto the chair and I dare not look at the vials of blood for fear of nausea. IVF terrifies me. I’m scared. I’m also really scared to find out how long we’d be on the waiting list – Where does it leave my ‘plans’? It may all be premature though, because we still have no idea if he has viable sperm or any sperm at all. What if they can’t get? What if it is unusable? What if we need a sperm donor? How long will that take?  D and I mentioned in passing about whether we would use a donor long before we got results. Now that it’s a real possibility we decided it’s an option we wouldn’t rule out, in fact it’s an option we’d be more than happy to explore. D and Mr 3 are father and son. I truly know that D loves him just as much as I do. D has said that it’s that love that allows him to be comfortable with a donor – He’ll love the child biological or not.

He’s a keeper isn’t he?

I think lots of this anger and sadness comes down to fearing the unknown – but Ghandi said ‘The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear’ so now that I’ve used this post as my cathartic release I will box on. First on the agenda is that the fertility specialist has requested I have blood tests done on specific cycle days, D is also off for more blood tests. Appointment is scheduled for early next month; I am very much looking forward to it. Some answers perhaps? (At $250 for the consult I’m hoping for something ! )

Quick Update

Results came back all clear - Dr thinks that there is a strong possibility he is producing sperm. Great news! Unsure what processes we will be going through from here - I guess finding out if there is indeed a blockage (fingers crossed) and if they can either remove or aspirate sperm from behind it. He mentioned IVF again. Scary! Dr couldn't provide much info but we have a referral to Fertility Associates, heres hoping we can get an appointment soon.

In an attempt to act my age I went out to a paint party last night.

I've had 3 hours sleep *yawn*.Theres a reason why I only let my hair out once in 365 days! Dragged my sorry arse into the bedroom at around 4am after attempting to shower away all the paint (fail). Little person asleep on my side of the bed so I slide into little persons bed, literally slide in because his blankets are tucked in tight. 

5:50am. "Mummy?"

Little person hops on top of me, wraps his arms around my neck and starts talking. I have very vague recollection of conversation, questions about why theres a towel in his bed and that he saw the red paint in the bathroom and "wishes I could try that mummy". Rolled the little person off me (to which he then promptly flung his leg and arm over me) and told him that it's still dark, best we keep sleeping. 

7:10am. "Mum, wake up"

I attempt to open my eyes. Blinded by sunlight. Notice that half of me is resting easy on the bedside table because we're in a single bed. His highness is spread eagle. 

The rest of the morning is a blur of breakfast making, painting with the red paint (which was actually fake blood), looking for batteries and Buzz lightyear and LeapPad and jam sammies and and aaaaaand desperately pining for my bed. Lucky the kid is so cute ;) 

That ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't often act my age! *yawn*

On a more serious note - We have our appointment on Monday. Truly don't know what to expect, nor do I know what my/our reaction will be. I guess we've been avoiding the subject until we have a clearer diagnosis, it makes the waiting easier to bear. Now that we've had the zero sperm diagnosis I'm very anxious to get the ball rolling, I'd like to know what our options are and when we can start them! However, it'll all remain unclear until we have an appointment with fertility associates. I endeavour to post the outcome of the blood tests on Tuesday/Wednesday, I'd like to make sure that family know first (and also I'm back to work straight after the appointment and Monday night I'll be mega tired and still recovering from last night*sigh*). 

Now, time to sleep.

Night! 

What we've been doing

Getting on to post is proving a little difficult with the weather warming up - Been living in the garden. Also, I'm back at work part time now that I've finished studying. No more essays to write or deadlines to meet - Yippee! 

We're lucky to have a split section - The top has the tramp, swing set etc and the bottom will be our vegetable garden + the awesome deck that D and his dad built around the cabbage tree (will try take some photos of that beauty soon!) 

Some photos of our gardens progress - Still lots to do but loving the transformation! 

We have three more of these raised beds going in and a shed. Its going to be a busy summer! 

Beans, spinach, red cabbage, carrots and teepees ready for the tomatoes once the weather warms up.

Strawberries, lettuce and raspberry canes.