Swinging between sanity and insanity.

Staying positive comes natural to D and I – So whilst this journey is a very difficult one we still laugh and make jokes, even when we should be serious it seems! We had our first appointment with a Dr at the Wellington Fertility Associates clinic on Tuesday. Sitting holding hands, we must have looked like deer in the headlights. The Dr was straight to the point, humorous and obviously knows his stuff. After a very very uncomfortable examination, the diagnosis is either congenial absence of the vas deferens or a very underdeveloped one.

You will see from the picture what that means – basically a vasectomy from birth. 7 vials of blood were taken from D’s hard to find veins which will be looking his genetics – karyotype in case of Klinefelters syndrome (which is very unlikely), cystic fibrosis or some deletion within the azospermic gene. The results take between 4-6 weeks, which we will discuss with Dr Hutton over the phone. If the results show no significant genetic problem then D will undergo testicular aspiration of sperm. This involves a needle in his testes – For D (and any male I presume!!); it’s his worst fears becoming reality.

The worst news we got that day was in regards to funding for IVF. We knew that all procedures up to IVF would incur a cost to us but we were cautiously optimistic that we’d be able to get public funding. It turns out that because I have K , albeit from a previous relationship, we need to have been trying for a total of three years before even getting on a waiting list (currently at 12 months). The Dr noted how ridiculous it was given that my having a child does not change the fact that D has no chance of conceiving naturally, and we could try for the next 10 years and still not have a baby. We left feeling more informed but very disheartened. We’ve decided to go private, as it seems the obvious choice. We’ll be furiously saving over the next 6 or so months but it does mean that as soon as finances allow, we can start IVF straight away.

So, good/bad news... and life goes on.

We had a beautiful afternoon out at Lake Ferry, left feeling heaps better - Fingers crossed for some more sunny weather! 

Time flies when your having fun!

This year has gone so extraordinarily fast; I cannot believe that in two months my baby boy will be four! I’ve started thinking about his party due to being reminded 3-4 times a week by one very excited kid. This is the first year where he is anticipating  his birthday so I need to make it a good one! I’ve been busy ‘pinning’ idea for the party and his daycare Christmas party – http://pinterest.com/trez08/favorite-recipes/

The observant will notice that I also have a pin board dedicated to all things wedding… and that’s because D and I were engaged over the weekend! I had planned a big house clean on Sunday whilst Mr. 3 was at my sisters so we were up early and at Briscoes loading up on new buckets, mop heads and scrubbers. I had a lovely wee whinge to my sisters MIL about how my arvo would be spent on my hands and knees cleaning the toilet…little did I know!

We got home; I started hanging up some photos, assuming Dave had gone for a wee nap. He comes out all dressed up and demands that I go get changed into something nice (Loo cleaning attire isn’t the flashest!). We had an awkward 25-minute drive into town and pulled into a car park where behind a wire fence was a helicopter. We sort of just looked at each other with just a nervous/excited/don’t you dare say anything giggle. The helicopter ride over Wellington was stunning, totally blows your mind to have such a marvelous view of your city. The helicopter then headed towards the West Wind Farm and then dropped down into a secluded bay. We walked the coastline and sat down on some driftwood near the beach. D must have been looking for the perfect spot because as soon as we sat down he told me we weren’t just here for a ride and got down on one knee! –tear- it was so surreal! We had always said that we would want to choose the ring together (or I did, ha!) so he presented me with a small token - A silver ring that he had engraved with ‘Teresa Hill?’ on it. Involuntary smile, I could not get it off my face! Perfect proposal from the man who is perfect for me.

We’ve talked over wedding dates, it really does depend on where we at baby-wise but hoping for Summer 2013. Have purchased my first bridal magazine already. I can picture D’s eyes widening reading that, ha ha ha!

Gripping his leg, nervous about going up so high!

Heading over the city

The wee bay where he proposed

Flying back an engaged woman!

Very happy to follow up my previous post with this happy one!

I will endeavor to get an updated garden post up within the week and then one after our Fertility Associates appointment.

Until then! x 

Warning. Pity party ahead.

I have been avoiding a ‘woe is me’ post because we have friends who are dealing with far far worse than we are and it seems wrong to complain but today I want to rage and cry and scream. Today I want to vent and express my concerns and worries. Today I don’t want to be positive. For the most part we have remained fairly stoic and ‘together’ but there are brief moments of being on the verge of breaking down.  We feel ripped off. We feel daunted by the journey ahead without even knowing what is in store for us – IVF? Surgeries? Sperm Donors? I’m really trying to come to terms with the fact that there will be no baby next year. It’s quite possible that there won’t be a baby the following year. Infertility forces you into the unknown. 65% of couples our age are pregnant within 6 months. They have sex. They make a baby.

The reality for us is that they will have to locate sperm – Probably shouldn't have got the Mr to read that they put a massive needle into his balls... hahaha. (Then reminded that I’m the one who will be pushing the baby out) He who laughs last laughs the loudest!

I should mention that I loathe needles. I flush hot and cold, my palms sweat whilst gripping onto the chair and I dare not look at the vials of blood for fear of nausea. IVF terrifies me. I’m scared. I’m also really scared to find out how long we’d be on the waiting list – Where does it leave my ‘plans’? It may all be premature though, because we still have no idea if he has viable sperm or any sperm at all. What if they can’t get? What if it is unusable? What if we need a sperm donor? How long will that take?  D and I mentioned in passing about whether we would use a donor long before we got results. Now that it’s a real possibility we decided it’s an option we wouldn’t rule out, in fact it’s an option we’d be more than happy to explore. D and Mr 3 are father and son. I truly know that D loves him just as much as I do. D has said that it’s that love that allows him to be comfortable with a donor – He’ll love the child biological or not.

He’s a keeper isn’t he?

I think lots of this anger and sadness comes down to fearing the unknown – but Ghandi said ‘The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear’ so now that I’ve used this post as my cathartic release I will box on. First on the agenda is that the fertility specialist has requested I have blood tests done on specific cycle days, D is also off for more blood tests. Appointment is scheduled for early next month; I am very much looking forward to it. Some answers perhaps? (At $250 for the consult I’m hoping for something ! )

Quick Update

Results came back all clear - Dr thinks that there is a strong possibility he is producing sperm. Great news! Unsure what processes we will be going through from here - I guess finding out if there is indeed a blockage (fingers crossed) and if they can either remove or aspirate sperm from behind it. He mentioned IVF again. Scary! Dr couldn't provide much info but we have a referral to Fertility Associates, heres hoping we can get an appointment soon.

In an attempt to act my age I went out to a paint party last night.

I've had 3 hours sleep *yawn*.Theres a reason why I only let my hair out once in 365 days! Dragged my sorry arse into the bedroom at around 4am after attempting to shower away all the paint (fail). Little person asleep on my side of the bed so I slide into little persons bed, literally slide in because his blankets are tucked in tight. 

5:50am. "Mummy?"

Little person hops on top of me, wraps his arms around my neck and starts talking. I have very vague recollection of conversation, questions about why theres a towel in his bed and that he saw the red paint in the bathroom and "wishes I could try that mummy". Rolled the little person off me (to which he then promptly flung his leg and arm over me) and told him that it's still dark, best we keep sleeping. 

7:10am. "Mum, wake up"

I attempt to open my eyes. Blinded by sunlight. Notice that half of me is resting easy on the bedside table because we're in a single bed. His highness is spread eagle. 

The rest of the morning is a blur of breakfast making, painting with the red paint (which was actually fake blood), looking for batteries and Buzz lightyear and LeapPad and jam sammies and and aaaaaand desperately pining for my bed. Lucky the kid is so cute ;) 

That ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't often act my age! *yawn*

On a more serious note - We have our appointment on Monday. Truly don't know what to expect, nor do I know what my/our reaction will be. I guess we've been avoiding the subject until we have a clearer diagnosis, it makes the waiting easier to bear. Now that we've had the zero sperm diagnosis I'm very anxious to get the ball rolling, I'd like to know what our options are and when we can start them! However, it'll all remain unclear until we have an appointment with fertility associates. I endeavour to post the outcome of the blood tests on Tuesday/Wednesday, I'd like to make sure that family know first (and also I'm back to work straight after the appointment and Monday night I'll be mega tired and still recovering from last night*sigh*). 

Now, time to sleep.

Night! 

What we've been doing

Getting on to post is proving a little difficult with the weather warming up - Been living in the garden. Also, I'm back at work part time now that I've finished studying. No more essays to write or deadlines to meet - Yippee! 

We're lucky to have a split section - The top has the tramp, swing set etc and the bottom will be our vegetable garden + the awesome deck that D and his dad built around the cabbage tree (will try take some photos of that beauty soon!) 

Some photos of our gardens progress - Still lots to do but loving the transformation! 

We have three more of these raised beds going in and a shed. Its going to be a busy summer! 

Beans, spinach, red cabbage, carrots and teepees ready for the tomatoes once the weather warms up.

Strawberries, lettuce and raspberry canes.

Shit happens.

Has been almost a week since I've posted and to be honest, azoospermia (Official name for zero sperm count) hasn't been mentioned since then. We've had our cry. No more wallowing in self pity for us!

Though during the rare quiet moments this week, I've been thinking about the injustice of it all. I couldn't help but briefly ponder over 'why us'. We're good people you know? In fact, Dave is the most virtuous person I know! We make great parents and we can (and do) provide more than just the bare necessities. I answered a question that was posted in a forum back in March - What does being a good parent mean to you?

Offering my child guidance, stability, consistency, discipline, encouragement and support. Gaining my child's love, trust and respect. Teaching him kindness, responsibility, loyalty and honesty. Being a good role model. Ensuring he eats well and sleeps well. Allowing him learning opportunities.
And of course, love - which is so easy.

I didn't post that to prove myself as a parent or to portray that we're perfect parents because there are moments when we barely have a grip on this parenting thing! For the most part we're doing okay, and our Mr 3 is a testament to that. I really love my life, can many people say that? I have a lot to be thankful for. I have wonderful partner and child, tight knit family and a house that we are turning into a home. I have a future with so many options and I am privileged to be able to stay at home with my son if I so please. The pessimist in me thinks that when things are good *something* bad has to happen. But this, this isn't so bad. We are still pretty damn lucky. Yay for the optimist! 

I just needed to remind myself that our struggle to have another child isn't a reflection on us or our parenting - It's just that shit happens.

What to expect when your not expecting.

Feel a little nauseous. Am I pregnant?
My boobs are HUGE. Am I pregnant?
Hmm. I've been to the toilet three times in the last hour. Am I pregnant?
Okay CD26, should I test now? Am I pregnant?

AM I PREGNANT?

When we first started trying to conceive I thought it would be a fun ride with LOADS of sex, a nervous two week wait and then taa daa.... Big fat positive. I admitted way late into the game that periods and pregnancy have the same symptoms - Totally mind bending if you let it take over! I didn't know that I would become hyper aware of my body and that every niggle and 'symptom' would be overanalysed.

I didn't anticipate feeling so alone. Whilst I was aware that many are on the same tough journey, and I am privileged to share the journeys with some lovely ladies, I still felt stuck in my head with it all. The advice 'just relax' made me shut off. 'It'll happen when its ready' made me want to smack the person. Which brings to me to point out that although I fear that I'll offend people with my honesty I have reflected on what I want from this blog and realise that I need to post the raw feelings - good, bad aaaaand the stuff that is often left unsaid.

In my initial rush to *purge* my feelings into the first blog post I neglected to introduce myself. My name is Teresa and I'm 22. I love homewares, cooking, gardening and reading. I own a home with my dad and D which we are renovating (love/hate relationship) and where we live together as one big happy family. I'm the oldest of four (17 year old brother who lives with us, 21 year old sister and 7 year old brother who don't) so I am very much mother hen. I became a mother when I was 18 (A whole other story that is probably a bit hill-billyish for me to share, ha!). I enjoy being a mother. I ADORE being K's mother. I am refraining from writing all the cliche sentiments about a mothers love for their child BUT I really just want to yell to the world how awesome he is.

The other love of my life is D. I promised a friend that I wouldn't write a massive gushy post about him and I'm afraid if I start on him that's what it will lead too! So to keep it simple, D is my best friend and the man I want to spend my life with. He is an incredible daddy. I respect him, I admire him and I am very impressed by his vegetable garden building skills!

So that is my introduction. I nervously watch the views of this blog go up. Please feel free to comment!

October Third

And now the nervous wait for blood results. These will tell us if there is a blockage and determines whether D can have children or not.

How we got here

When we got together I already had an almost two year old.

I had always worried how I would ever enter another relationship with a child in tow. If someone had told me that I would meet the man of my dreams and that our integration into 'family' would be so seamless I would have shaken my head in disbelief. 

After a year of dating we felt ready to have another child. It was not a decision taken lightly, we discussed every option/angle/positives/negatives and came to the conclusion that *now* was right. After a surprise pregnancy when I was 18 it was an elating feeling for me, to CHOOSE to have a child, to plan a child with someone you love, to have control over the decision (little did I know!). Late 2010 we started our TTC journey, I googled, I joined TTC groups, I trawled through message boards absorbing everything I could. I naively thought that given our young ages, our good health and the child I already had that it would be easy. We'd be pregnant in the first month. But we weren't.

Or the second month.
Or the third month.

The months rolled by and we decided that once we were nearing one year of trying we would seek some medical advice. Getting a sperm sample was a bit of a laugh. Seeing the sample wasn't. Although D had already expressed that he felt something was wrong it wasn't until I saw the sample that I thought maybe there was something wrong. I'm not sure if it was just the *realness* that we weren't conceiving and were needing to get samples or if it was the actual sample that had me worried. He didn't seem to concerned though so I didn't dwell for long (Warning:Do not google sperm consistency!).

We received a letter from his Dr to come in for results, again, I wasn't out of my mind worried. There was some nervousness but I was also excited - We'd get the results and a baby would follow soon after.

Yesterday we sat down in the Dr's room. He didn't beat around the bush. No sperm in the sample. None. Not one. I knew from all the reading I'd done that this was the worst possible news we could have.  Low sperm = options. No sperm = What the fuck are we going to do?. The normal sperm count is between 20-400 million. Yes, it takes one but see what we are working with?  My tears were flowing at this stage. We heard there is a possible blockage and will need blood tests to rule it out. A blockage is the best we can hope for, if we are to have a biological child. It means we can attempt to fix it or to get sperm out and try IVF. We got into the car and sobbed into each others arms. Poor Mr 3 in the backseat was very bewildered, in hindsight we should have found someone to watch him. I choked on the answer to his question 'Whats wrong, why are you sad?'.   No babies. No babies.

I shed tears for him. He shed tears for me. When things are bad, you want your mum (or for me, my dad!). Watching this strong man, who has been my rock for so long, collapse into his mothers arms was heartbreaking. But mums always know how to envelope you in love, and though she can't fix this, having her there makes it a little easier to cope. My dad has shared our journey closely so with the news still raw we went and told him. I needed that dad bear hug.