Warning. Pity party ahead.

I have been avoiding a ‘woe is me’ post because we have friends who are dealing with far far worse than we are and it seems wrong to complain but today I want to rage and cry and scream. Today I want to vent and express my concerns and worries. Today I don’t want to be positive. For the most part we have remained fairly stoic and ‘together’ but there are brief moments of being on the verge of breaking down.  We feel ripped off. We feel daunted by the journey ahead without even knowing what is in store for us – IVF? Surgeries? Sperm Donors? I’m really trying to come to terms with the fact that there will be no baby next year. It’s quite possible that there won’t be a baby the following year. Infertility forces you into the unknown. 65% of couples our age are pregnant within 6 months. They have sex. They make a baby.

The reality for us is that they will have to locate sperm – Probably shouldn't have got the Mr to read that they put a massive needle into his balls... hahaha. (Then reminded that I’m the one who will be pushing the baby out) He who laughs last laughs the loudest!

I should mention that I loathe needles. I flush hot and cold, my palms sweat whilst gripping onto the chair and I dare not look at the vials of blood for fear of nausea. IVF terrifies me. I’m scared. I’m also really scared to find out how long we’d be on the waiting list – Where does it leave my ‘plans’? It may all be premature though, because we still have no idea if he has viable sperm or any sperm at all. What if they can’t get? What if it is unusable? What if we need a sperm donor? How long will that take?  D and I mentioned in passing about whether we would use a donor long before we got results. Now that it’s a real possibility we decided it’s an option we wouldn’t rule out, in fact it’s an option we’d be more than happy to explore. D and Mr 3 are father and son. I truly know that D loves him just as much as I do. D has said that it’s that love that allows him to be comfortable with a donor – He’ll love the child biological or not.

He’s a keeper isn’t he?

I think lots of this anger and sadness comes down to fearing the unknown – but Ghandi said ‘The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear’ so now that I’ve used this post as my cathartic release I will box on. First on the agenda is that the fertility specialist has requested I have blood tests done on specific cycle days, D is also off for more blood tests. Appointment is scheduled for early next month; I am very much looking forward to it. Some answers perhaps? (At $250 for the consult I’m hoping for something ! )